The following is an illustrative example of how the three BYTS principles can apply to marriage and family life.
Dinner is over. The kitchen needs cleaning, the children need help getting ready for bed, and both spouses are tired.
One starts washing dishes. The other sits down.
Before long, frustration surfaces.
“Why am I always the one finishing everything?”
“I’ve been working all day. I thought I could finally take a break.”
“So have I.”
Both feel overlooked. Both believe their expectations are reasonable. Yet neither knows exactly what the other expected tonight.
When FAIR hasn’t been defined together
One spouse may think fairness means dividing each evening’s tasks equally. The other may think it means considering everything each person has already done that day.
Those differences matter.
Paid work, childcare, household tasks, planning, and remembering what needs to happen can all require effort. Some contributions are easier to see than others.
If we leave our expectations unspoken, we can end up judging each other against agreements we never actually made.
Keeping your hand on FAIR begins with making those expectations clear.
Be Your True Self: Start with curiosity
In a tense moment, the easiest response may be to defend yourself or list everything your spouse has failed to do.
Taking the higher road might begin with a different question:
“What has today been like for you?”
Then listen long enough to understand the answer.
You can also explain your own experience:
“I’m worn out, too. When you sat down while I kept working, I felt alone with what still needed to happen.”
Being your true self includes speaking honestly and respectfully. Your needs belong in the conversation.
Keep Your Hand on FAIR: Make an agreement both understand
Once both people have been heard, the conversation can become more specific.
What needs doing tonight? What can wait? What can each person realistically take on? How can both get some rest?
Perhaps they agree that one will handle the kitchen while the other helps the children get ready for bed. Afterward, both will stop for the evening.
Another night may require a different arrangement.
FAIR doesn’t always mean identical tasks or equal minutes. It means an arrangement both can freely discuss and accept, with each person’s needs and contributions taken seriously.
The agreement should also include responsibility for noticing, planning, and following through. Otherwise, one person may still carry the work of managing everything.
Take Care of the Goose: Care for the relationship
A home needs practical work. A marriage also needs attention, appreciation, and time together.
If every conversation becomes a negotiation over chores, the relationship itself can get neglected.
Taking care of the goose might mean noticing a contribution that usually goes unmentioned:
“Thank you for handling that today. I know it took effort.”
It might mean making room for rest or spending a few minutes together without discussing the next task.
Appreciation matters. So does a workable division of responsibilities. Both deserve attention.
Revisit the agreement as life changes
An arrangement that worked last month may need to change when schedules, health, or family responsibilities change.
A brief check-in can help:
“Does what we agreed still feel fair to both of us? What needs adjusting?”
If someone didn’t follow through, acknowledge it and discuss what would help repair the situation. If the agreement was unclear or unrealistic, clarify it together.
One respectful conversation may help, but lasting fairness also requires consistent action from both people. If one person repeatedly refuses to listen or share responsibility, clearer wording alone won’t resolve the problem.
Try this together
Choose one recurring responsibility that causes frustration.
At a calm time:
- Explain what each of you currently expects.
- Listen for work or pressures you may have overlooked.
- Agree on who will take responsibility for what.
- Choose a time to check whether the arrangement is working.
Where in your relationship might you be assuming you agree on FAIR—and what conversation could help you define it together?
—Wayne Schmidt
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