The following is an illustrative example of how the three BYTS principles can apply to friendship and community.
You send a friend a message. No reply.
A few days later, you try again. Still nothing.
You begin wondering: “Why am I always the one reaching out? If this friendship mattered, wouldn’t they make an effort?”
It is understandable to feel hurt. But silence leaves room for a story—and the story we tell ourselves may be missing important information.
Your friend might be overwhelmed, caring for a family member, or struggling with something they have not shared. They might also have different expectations about staying in touch.
You do not know yet.
What would it look like to approach this moment through the three BYTS principles?
Be Your True Self: Choose curiosity before judgment
Being your true self can mean pausing before turning disappointment into an accusation.
Instead of sending, “Apparently you don’t care about our friendship,” you could write:
“Hey, I haven’t heard from you lately. I hope you’re doing okay. I miss talking with you. When you have a chance, I’d love to catch up.”
This gives your friend room to respond without requiring you to pretend you have no feelings.
Choosing the higher road does not mean ignoring hurt. It means expressing it in a way that leaves room for understanding.
Keep Your Hand on FAIR: Talk about what each person needs
Suppose your friend replies:
“I’m sorry. Things have been difficult lately, and I haven’t had much energy to talk.”
Now you have information you did not have before.
You might say:
“Thank you for telling me. I don’t need an immediate reply every time. But when I hear nothing for a long stretch, I start wondering whether you want to stay connected. What would work for both of us?”
Perhaps you agree that a short message—“Busy week, but thinking of you”—is enough when a longer conversation is not possible.
Friendship does not require a formal agreement about every interaction. But recurring disappointment is often a reason to discuss expectations that have remained unspoken.
FAIR does not have to mean equal numbers of texts or exactly equal effort every week. It does mean that both people’s needs matter and both can speak honestly.
Take Care of the Goose: Give the friendship attention
A friendship can be one of the “geese” we care for: a relationship that brings companionship, trust, and shared joy.
It needs attention beyond the moments when we want something.
Sometimes care looks like listening. Sometimes it means inviting someone for a walk, remembering an important day, or offering specific help:
“I’m going to the store tomorrow. Would picking something up for you help?”
Ask rather than assume. The help you want to give may be different from the help your friend needs.
And remember: your friend matters as a person, even when they have little to give in return.
Care also includes boundaries
Understanding someone’s circumstances does not require accepting a pattern that continually hurts you.
You can care about a friend and say:
“I value our friendship, but I can’t keep making plans that are canceled without notice. Let’s choose something we can both realistically commit to.”
If someone repeatedly dismisses your needs or refuses to discuss them, you may need to change how much you invest in the relationship.
A friendship can have seasons of uneven effort. Over time, however, it needs room for both people to be heard and cared for.
Try this week
Think of one friend you have been meaning to contact—or one whose silence you have been interpreting.
Ask yourself:
- What am I assuming that I have not checked?
- What would a kind, honest message sound like?
- Is there an expectation we need to discuss?
- What care can I offer without promising more than I can give?
Then take one small step.
Who could you reach out to this week with curiosity, honesty, and care?
—Wayne Schmidt
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